In April, 2003 several Unlimited Moms answered a series of questions aimed at finding out what we are all about. Where are we going? What makes us tick? What are the goals and objectives for our lives? What empowers us? What holds us back?

To me, their responses are staggering proof that we are, indeed, not alone, that despite our particular circumstances, there are women out there experiencing the same emotions - happiness, joy, confusion, fear, and more. In fact, in reading the responses I sometimes felt like I could have written them! Knowing others share our emotions doesn't change our circumstances, but we can feel better nonetheless. There are people out there who understand! Still doubtful? Read the results of the poll, in their words:

GOALS AND GIFTS

Do we have goals? You bet! For everything from short term goals for the next ten minutes ("checking the rest of my e-mails"; "taking my dog for a walk!") to detailed long term goals - we know what we want:

"In a year, I will be settled into my new house. No more apartment -Yea! I'll be doing the same job I have. In five years, I see myself helping my husband in his business and no longer in the corporate world. In ten years, I will be actively helping grow my husband's business and really involved with my daughter in school activities and volunteer activities in the community. This is the plan, anyway. In ten minutes, I plan to watch TV!"

"I see myself continuing to stay home with my kids, even as they get into school age, and continuing my Creative Memories business. I'd like to do foster care or adopt a baby in a few years."

"I want to get in better shape so I have more energy. I'm finding that I'm completely drained by the end of a long day from working, taking care of my daughter, and keeping house."

"I'm working toward my Master's Degree. It's important for me to achieve this because I don't want to be limited in my career as a teacher. I want to have the option of working in different areas of education."

While no one seemed to have a problem detailing what they wanted out of life, many women had trouble setting a time-table or actually seeing it happen:

"One of the things I see myself doing is working out of my home as a freelance writer. This is actually something I wanted to build up before I got pregnant with my daughter, but here it is, she's 4 months old and I still haven't done anything about it. I think what holds me back is fear of failure. I'm not convinced that I could generate enough business to cover expenses so I can stay at home. I'm also afraid that I wouldn't be able to balance work and family because the boundaries would be harder to set than if I go to an office building to work."

"It has always been important to me to have a strong career as my mother and grandmother both worked outside the home. I do worry that having a child will make me choose between being the all out, nothing stops me from working 15 hours a day person. But I have a loving husband who is on board for at least half the work."

"I don't know if it will take 1 year, 5 years, or 10 years, but my goal is to work from home someday.....I would like to say that I'm doing everything possible to make that dream a reality, but most of the time I just give up and feel it's hopeless."

The respondents were asked to share their special gifts. Many replied that was a difficult question, because we aren't intuitively programmed to focus on the positives:

"Some of these questions are hard because we have to be honest about our talents! I think that sometimes we get so involved in putting ourselves down or thinking that we're being 'humble' that we lose sight of what God has given us in the way of talents and abilities."

But, when women thought about and identified their special gifts, new goals often came to light:

"I have discovered that I have patience with people who are learning. I discovered this when I was a manager. When people had a hard time learning something new, I could describe things in a different way that they were able to understand! I've also discovered I have a special gift in helping people to understand fitness. I had originally thought I was meant to be a teacher, but now I'd like to use both these gifts in a fitness environment - to help people understand why they are gaining, and not losing weight - by putting it in a perspective they can understand."

"I've discovered the ability to bring different people together. I learned this at an early age because my family did not get along well. I was always the peacekeeper and the one bringing everyone together to 'talk'. I also have the ability to listen and really 'hear' what people are saying. I would like to become a therapist someday, but haven't done anything proactive to make it happen."

ROADBLOCKS TO SUCCESS

So if we find it so easy to identify what we want, why aren’t we all exactly where we want to be? Well, we all seem to share the same excuses, for one! Check out these common excuses, do they sound familiar?:

“I’m too tired”

“I have too many other things to do”

“I’ll do it later after I_________”

“there’s no point, it won’t work anyway”

“I just need some time to myself”

“there’s no extra time”

“I’ll do it when the kids are older”

Beyond our excuses, women also mentioned a number of traits that cause them to get discouraged or give up. The prevalent theme? Worry and self-criticism. The good news, most women also stated they are concentrating on changing these traits and moving on to a more empowering mindset:

"I have a bad case of all-or-nothing thinking. If I can’t do it perfectly, forget it! But, having kids has taught me a lot about getting over thinking I need to be perfect in order to be worthy (cause being a perfect parent is NEVER gonna happen!)”

“I start to focus on all the negative things in my life. It’s like I make this list of all the bad things and it gets bigger and worse the more I go on about it until that’s all I see. When I get on a negative binge like this, I completely shut down and give up. I’ve been learning how to change my attitude but it’s a process that I have to keep up every day, every hour, every minute.”

While going through the responses to the poll, I was continually struck by what a good spin so many moms are able to put on a situation. Despite situations that are less than ideal to them, somehow these moms are looking forward rather than back:

“I fought hard, mentally, when I had to go back to work (after having a child). I was building up all the negative things about working full-time, breast-feeding, and putting our daughter in daycare. Then something happened (I call it divine intervention). I got this thought in my head that I just needed to embrace the way things were for now and go with the flow. I’m less stressed. I do what I have to do. AND, I’m enjoying the money I make rather than being frustrated that I have to work. My daughter is doing well in daycare, too. After I had that change of attitude, it became easier.”

“I quit a good paying job 60 miles away from home for a job 5 miles away. But, they stabbed me in the back by not paying me what they told me they would. They wouldn’t even admit that they should have told me when they decided to lower my salary by $4,000 a year. So I quit! Now, I am a substitute teacher and not subbing very much. Unfortunate for the pocketbook, but more fortunate for me as I am pregnant with my first and am able to rest a lot. I am enjoying every minute of it. I’m able to rest, take my time, and really enjoy things for a while. I am learning what means the most to me and taking time to enjoy the little things in life! I hope to be able to go back to my old job, but don’t have the solutions yet. I’ve found the best thing to do is to pray and trust in God that He will help me make the right decisions.”

EMPOWERING TRAITS

So what traits do Unlimited Moms call on to get it done? What makes them feel confident? What are they proud of?

The answers are as varied as the respondents. But their answers are inspiring to us all!

What do you call on to get it done?

“I call on my ability to just sit down and block out the distractions”

“sometimes I don’t really know where I get my strength because I’ve never considered myself a strong person. As a new mom who works full time, I’m learning that, in fact, I am! I guess I call on my spirituality. I ask God for help and I can just do it.”

“my leadership and take charge traits – they allow me to step up and take charge, and someone has to or else a lot of things wouldn’t get done!”

“sheer anger, a lot of times.”

“I just dig in my heels and get going! I am a major list writer and I feel good when I can cross those things off. I also reward myself when needed.”

What makes an Unlimited Mom feel confident?

“when I moved to Florida to start a new life with my kids!”

“when I won an important victory in a case and I received congrats from all over the firm.”

“in college I lost a lot of weight and felt great about myself physically”

“when I gave birth to my son. I found total acceptance and satisfaction in his little face, and I still know when I look at him that he is the greatest accomplishment of my life.”

“when I was able to win a company trip at a time in my life that I was dealing with a divorce and the strains of being a single mom.”

“when I interviewed for the job I now have. I was able to build great rapport with my (now) boss. I knew I nailed it and it felt good!”

What are Unlimited Moms proud of?

“running the Chicago Marathon- 26.2 miles-what else can I say? So much commitment and time and just an amazing accomplishment – I can’t even describe how great it was!”

“I had a pro-bono assignment in which I helped an abused woman get a divorce and custody of her kids. I really liked stepping outside of myself and concentrating on others for the moment.”

“I’m really proud that I found myself after my first marriage. I went through years of self- improvement, self-analysis, and self-exploration to find out who I am. For the first time in my life, I really feel like I’m living the life I’m supposed to. And I am damn proud of that!”

“The fact that my son is growing up happy, intelligent, and healthy makes me feel better about myself than anything I’ve ever done.”

“I have changed SO much through the course of trying to better myself as a person and overcoming some of my bad habits. I have changed my stubborn thinking, and am also much more compassionate. I have a really long way to go, but I feel proud that I am at least in the process. Many people aren’t even willing to try, so I have to give myself credit for trying!”

SELF CARE

Oh no, the four letter words! Once we become moms, we seem to believe it is selfish to take time or do things for ourselves. But, we all get the blues, and we all need cheering up sometimes. What does it take? Do we need to be wooed by theatre tickets and a limo to feel better? Hardly! For most, some quiet time and a good book usually does the trick:

“I read or watch old movies, like Moonstruck.”

“When I feel blue, I get outside. There’s something about fresh air that makes the blues go away.”

“I LOVE to take a nice, long, warm bath. For some reason, this is very nurturing to me. If I don’t have time for a bath (which has been the case lately), I try to spend time doing yoga stretches or poses or I’ll just go outside and walk.”

“I used to go shopping – quite a problem when we had credit cards! Now that we’ve cut them up, I organize something or veg out with a book or magazine. I also like to watch what I want on TV, since when my spouse is there he hogs the remote!”

“taking time out for a nap or reading a good book is the best thing I can do for myself.”

“I count my blessings!”

“Planting flowers, making a compost pile, now that excites me!”

For sure, Unlimited Moms know how to appreciate the simple pleasures in life. In conclusion, check out these descriptions of a great day. It’s not much, but it makes all the difference in the world:

“A few weeks ago we went up to the mountains for some sledding and hiking. The best part of it was that we didn’t have any commitments that day and didn’t have to be watching the clock and worrying about all that needed to be done. We could just enjoy being a family.”

“the happiest day of my life was the day I finally published an article and was paid for it!”

“it started off with a good workout because I had the energy to get up and spend 20 minutes on the treadmill running. The I was able to accomplish the things I set out to do in the day. My daughter got up that morning without any prying (you know the story, ha ha). I stuck to my diet plan all day long and at the end of the day I felt that I made life a little bit better for someone. I got a big hug and a kiss from my daughter at bedtime and she said, “I love you Mama.” What more could a mom ask for?

“we got 20 inches of snow. My husband and kids watched it all day. We played in the snow and got soaking wet, but loved it none the less. Snow man making, playing king of the hill….the house was warm, the sites from the windows were beautiful…it was a relaxing and calm weekend!”

“The votes were in and I was elected to a partnership at my firm. I went home and celebrated with my husband, who told me repeatedly how proud he was of me.”

“I got my daughter and myself ready with no “incidents” and got to work on time. When we got home, we played for a long while and she giggled a lot. She went down for bed without a struggle and my husband and I had time to be alone. We actually made love for the first time in two months! That was a great day.”

Are you smiling yet? See, I told you you’d feel just a little less alone!

Unlimited Mom helps working moms recognize and value all facets of their lives – their families, work and personal development. Visit http://www.unlimitedmom.com for articles, tips, and a Free weekly newsletter.

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