THE POWER OF WORDS By Sue Dickinson
copyright 2002
I am a working mom and proud of it! But it has taken several years for me to be able to utter those words. The guilt surrounding a mother with a family is quite often huge. Much of it is internal, but unkind comments from others also play a role in fanning the flame of guilt. I have been a recipient of such comments ever since I had my son, but have come to realize over the years that I am not alone. Recently, I polled a number of working moms about their experiences with unkind or insensitive remarks regarding their life choices. As a result, I’ve learned that although the articles and information available to moms about dealing with “other people’s opinions” are few and far between, the issue is there and bigger than life. Women receive these tactless comments often, usually from managers or coworkers, family members and friends. Surprising, though, is that a lot of women out there have “moved beyond” the hurt and guilt the comments could cause, and are secure and confident enough in their decisions to respond to them in their own unique ways.
WORK… THE WILD FRONTIER
Work is one of the main places where women report having to deal with offhand and unkind remarks, as well as a general atmosphere that is not supportive of the working mom. As one woman says:
“My manager is very supportive, although I sense she has her limits. My coworkers are a different story. They talk the talk, but if they are ever inconvenienced by my other responsibilities, then all bets are off. Most of the men have stay at home wives and are only impacted by the fun stuff (games, etc) and not the duties (sick kids, carpool, etc)”
She is not alone in her observation that although people may be generally in favor of a woman’s option to work, if her family responsibilities affect their job, the story quickly changes:
“People are never happy when you have to do something child related. People without kids resent you because, even though YOU took a vacation day, they “don’t get the time off”. Men with kids just have their wives deal with the kids, so they don’t understand.”
There is an insensitivity at the end of the day when you have to leave (to fulfill other responsibilities) and your manager calls you in to start a job.”
Unfortunately, the problems at work are not limited to men and people without children. Sometimes, even fellow working moms turn on each other:
“I’m in outside sales and out of the office a lot. But several of our inside sales women are moms and they have a tougher situation than me. They are supposed to be in the office supporting customers, but they have kid issues, too. It’s harder for them to juggle. Our boss is understanding, but they tend to bicker amongst themselves.”
It seems evident that the workplace is a particularly stressful place to deal with our dual lives, probably because it is the place where our two responsibilities can collide the most often.
HOME SWEET HOME?
Insensitive comments and difficult situations are not limited to the workplace. Unfortunately, some women have had to deal with spouses, in-laws, even children who don’t hesitate to make their opinions known, without consideration of whether mom (the recipient) is hurt by them. This is probably the most difficult group of people to deal with, because while you can choose your friends, you are kind of stuck with your family……..
“I had some very negative reaction from family members who urged me to stay home when my son was born.”
The decision whether a woman should work after children is a huge debate, and one where even working women and men differ tremendously. Ellen Galinsky, in her book “Ask the Children” (1999, Harper Collins Publishers) conducted a study that found that one in four working parents answered "no" to the question “can mothers who work have just as good relationships with their children as mothers at home?” For women, I really attribute this to the fact that we are our own worst enemy. When in doubt, assume you are doing something wrong! But the fact that men answered in this way is disturbing. Even more disheartening is the fact that the majority of the “no” respondents were men (30% of all men polled answered “no” vs. 18% of all women polled).
“I just found out I’m pregnant with my second child, and while I am thrilled, I have to deal with some very insensitive reactions from my husband. I am trying to deal with my resentment, but when I come home in the evening and he won’t even help with dinner or bathe our toddler, I just seethe. He thinks that because he mows the lawn that makes us even. And now, with the pregnancy, when I am tired after a long day he says things like “You’re going to play that card now, are you?”. Because it’s my husband, nothing anybody else says can hurt as much as what he says, but he doesn’t understand that.”
Even children are not immune to the issue. Children, however, react to your reactions, so it may be easier to deal with their comments than some other family member. The trick, I believe, is to stay true to your decisions.
“Once my son asked me why I didn’t “stay home”, like the mothers of his friends. I could have felt really guilty and apologize to him for having to work, but instead I described the trade-offs involved, i.e. less money for vacations, not being able to visit Grandma, etc. Boy, was that the right approach, because he immediately said to me “ok, then, keep working!”
FRIENDS OR ENEMIES?
Because we are paid to work, and therefore need to supply a day’s work for a day’s pay, it is somewhat understandable why we receive comments at times on the job, as there will always be those that don’t think we are putting “the job first”. And because we love our families so strongly and want more than anything to make them happy, it is also understandable why we suffer so much from our relative’s comments.
But what is hard to believe is how friends, and even complete strangers have gone head to head with the issue of “work” vs. “not work” with such vehemence and strength. Everywhere, the debate rages in the media, despite study after study that finds that whether a woman works or doesn’t work has nothing to do with how a child is raised, rather it all has to do with how warm and responsive that mother is to her child. Somehow, the fact that a mother can work and still love her child more than anything else on earth is completely lost in the debate.
Surprisingly, although almost every woman who responded to me mentioned she has received negative comments from friends and peers, noone mentioned a specific incident. I wonder if that is because the debate rages so furiously around us it is hard to distinguish just what we heard from people we know and what we just hear, through tv, books, articles, or newspapers.
I just have to quote Dr. Laura from her book “Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess Up Their Kids” to illustrate how this debate has gotten so completely out of hand:
“Commitment is taught by the words and deeds of those who populate our children’s most vulnerable and impressionable years. If these adults are rarely there or mostly hired help with high turnover; if their interaction and input are limited; if their focus is on their own harried work schedules or serial love lives, they are not mature and stable role model…….family life with children requires more emphasis on children than Power Bar breakfasts and kissing them off to school or day care, shuttles from after-school day care to extracurricular activities, wolfing down fast-food takeout, unsupervised evening activities, and weekend teen mall roaming.”
There’s more, but why subject you to that?
The problem with opinions like the above, is that they assume that because we work, we don’t spend time with our children, we drop them in the middle of skid row for anyone to take care of during the day, spend time on our nails or at a spa instead of with our kids, and stuff poison down their throats instead of healthy, nutritious food (like spaghettios).
People choose sides in this debate, and then listen for any dissenting opinion to prove that the world is “out to get them” or, worse, to feel guilty for the choices they made. This is especially distressing when the mud slinging is between fellow mothers. Haven’t we all suffered through childbirth, midnight feedings, too much work, piles of laundry and utter, indescribable love for the little human beings that belong to us? I think it would be helpful for everyone to take a deep breath, think and stop for a moment. A response I received from a stay at home mom is a refreshingly sane take on the debate, and made me realize that it isn’t “us” against “them”, instead we are all just “us”:
“many (stay-at-home) moms either forget how taxing their previous jobs were, or just can’t imagine what it must be like to work at a paying job all day and then take care of an active child at night. All they know is how physically drained they feel at the end of each day, and they look at the moms dropping their kids off and going into an office and having a child-free day and think “those lucky dogs!” Unfortunately, rather than admit all that to themselves, and their working mom friends, they let that resentment get the best of them, to the point where they say things like “How do you do it? I just couldn’t stand the thought of someone else raising my child.” Then, working moms get resentful, too, and say things like “What do you DO all day?” (imagine yourself on the weekend with your baby or toddler….THAT’S what I do all day. Every day.)
Although I don’t wish hardship on ANYONE, isn’t it nice to remember that although we may not have a picture perfect life, neither does anyone else!
HOW DO WE REACT?
So, it seems that, regardless of our situation in life we will probably encounter some form of feedback that we find offensive or hurtful. How are we reacting to it? I have found four basic responses we tend to use. We can remember them as MIFA (they don’t stand for anything, but MIFA does kind of slide off the tongue!)
M – MONETARY.Many people who don’t accept the fact that we want or need to work for other than monetary reasons are satisfied when told we need to work for the money. Not that I think it’s anyone’s business, but if it keeps ‘em quiet, maybe it’s the way to go!
“I generally just mention that my husband is not paid well enough to allow me to stay home, and most people don’t really bother me after that. I tend to leave out the fact that I enjoy working for many reasons because I don’t think they will understand.”
“I usually just say that staying home is not an option right now and that the best thing I can do is provide a good environment for my children. I don’t necessarily have the mental capacity to keep preschoolers challenged all day, but I can write a check to someone who can.”
I-IGNORE. Most women have found that the best approach is to do nothing. If they are comfortable with their decision, they have determined that that is enough.
“For the most part, my friends and family are supportive, and it’s their opinion that matters more to me.”
I went to school and got a masters degree. Now I know about a lot of things. If people tell me something that I know is XXXX XXXX, I can sit there and nod and say to myself “this woman is full of XXXX”. If the person is really an idiot, sometimes it is just not worth arguing with them”.
Choose your battles and let the little things slide. But fight for the important, meaningful things.”
“I find it best to say “I will be in around 10:00 rather than give the detail. As long as noone is inconvenienced, it usually isn’t a problem. I am the one with the guilt over it.”
You’ve got to pick and choose your battles and adversaries. The 78 year old spinster school marm will never believe you about the correct way to burp a baby no matter what you say.”
You can’t sweat the small stuff. You have to pretend that you don’t notice the snot on your silk blouse and hope that noone will mention it so that you have to act surprised”.
F – FULFILLMENT.Many women are proud to explain to naysayers that they have found fulfillment from their work.
“I have simply stated that I enjoy the challenge and it is part of who I am. My children will love me for my drive.”
I try to remember that I am setting a good example for my girls to see that women can do whatever they want and can take care of rather than be taken care of.”
A – AGGRESSIVE. When all else fails, we aren’t afraid to stand up for what we believe!
“I used to be very interested in being diplomatic to everyone. I care a lot less about that now. If they are not diplomatic to me, I can be as undiplomatic to them back. I figure it is like tennis. As I receive the ball, I send it back. People don’t break from a few harsh words, especially if they are in the habit of sending them out to people”.
“I’ve found that the best way to respond to comments about why I am working while my child is in daycare was to put the financial burden squarely on the shoulders of the impertinent questioner….’Are you going to pay my mortgage for me? Why thank you!’ That was the best way to get the subject dropped like a hot potato.”
“I’ve found that receiving toxic feedback actually made me sick. So I quit receiving it. I learned to look people in the eye and say things like ‘You know, I hear that what you are saying is meaningful for you to say, but it upsets me. Please find someone else to tell it to’”.
“KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL”
It is obvious we don’t live in paradise, but one thing is clear, we care for and love our children. A big reason why the remarks we receive are disturbing to us is that they suggest that somehow we are shortchanging our children. No matter how confident we are in our decisions, hearing a dissenting opinion makes us wonder if we should be doing something different, if somehow that little boy or girl is suffering. But, it is important to remember that there truly is no right or wrong way to live a life or raise a child. Every woman has to find her own way, and be confident that the decisions she makes are the right ones for the situation.
Ms. Galinsky suggests in“Ask the Children”that the problem is that people think there has to be a definite answer as to whether it is “right” or “wrong”. But, often, life isn’t so black and white (and, personally, wouldn’t it be boring if it were?):
“(the findings that a mother’s working is not directly related to how a child turns out) have been largely dismissed by the people who want to see maternal employment as an either/or proposition: A working mother is “either” bad “or” good for children. They are also dismissed by the people who see this finding as an indictment of mothers who stay at home: If working doesn’t harm children, then what’s the justification for staying at home? Mothers at home will say that they “know” that their being at home has been good for their children. And typically they are right! Typically, so are the mothers who say that their working has been good for their children. Because it is not an either/or proposition. It depends on the people and the circumstances of their lives. And what’s right for one person may not be right for another. So, although the debate to this point has assumed an either/or stance, the research indicates that “it depends.”
We can never forget that the goal is to raise happy, healthy, and confident children, and the best way to do that is to be happy healthy and confident ourselves. How we accomplish that will be as individual as all the women reading this. But, regardless of it all, it’s comforting to remember that we are not alone.
“Time makes one forget the state of agitation a mom gets into when she perceives that HER house is in shambles HER kids are the neighborhood’s worst dressed and unruliest lot and HERSELF the most unkempt woman of her age. But take heart, women, things do work out. The important thing is to keep trying!”
Sue Dickinson is the author of What’s a Mom to Do? Overcoming the Urge to Put Your Life on Hold and the creator of www.UnlimitedMom.com, designed to celebrate the many facets of Mom. Because when you recognize them all, your possibilities are unlimited! Contact Sue atSue@UnlimitedMom.comor visithttp://www.UnlimitedMom.com
