My alarm rings at 4:15 am. I bolt out of bed and grab the clock, frantically trying to still the ring before the baby awakes. I have to exercise and shower before getting her, and it’s just so much less stressful when she’s not bawling through it.
It’s a typical day, so after my shower comes dishes (I was too tired to tackle them last night), lunches, and packing diaper bags, book bags and brief cases. I jump in the car and drive to daycare and work. Race through the day, and repeat the drive in reverse. Feed and bathe the baby, help with homework, and fit in some laundry and a meal for the rest of us while I’m at it.
Is it any wonder that at midnight, January 1st, I vowed that this year, unlike all others, I’d finally figure out how to get more time in my day?
Ha!
I’m not much of a chef, but over the past few days I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a recipe to help me “make” more time. It is just impossible to manufacture another hour – 24 a day is all we will ever get!
Since I’m not one to give up on my resolutions that quickly, I re-examined my goal. Why, exactly, was I actually looking for more time?
I realized that I want to fit in those parts of my life I never have the “time” for: being with girlfriends, catching up on my photo albums, and reading and writing as much as I’d like. Playing in the park with my kids, and spending spontaneous, unplanned time with my husband.
Rediscovering those parts of me that make me… well, me…
Feeling again.
A few weeks ago, I was driving home from work. It was the transitional week between Christmas and New Year, a particularly busy time for me at work. I had skipped lunch, and was strung out on Christmas cookies and candy, which had sustained me over the day. I was tired from the Christmas preparations and festivities. I was late, and I had to rush to get my daughter from daycare on time.
I started to cry.
And cry.
And cry some more.
At one point, as I waited at a stoplight, I noticed the people in the car next to me give me the strangest look.
So I cried some more, I was so embarrassed.
I pulled myself together about the time I pulled into daycare’s parking lot (funny how that works).
And wondered what the heck was wrong with me.
How could I be so selfish, feeling sorry for myself like that…or was I really saying I was selfish for feeling like that?
I don’t know about you, but when I had kids, no “mom fairy” appeared with an instructional manual.
No one told me that I would feel like I had to know it all – that I’d try to be some sort of Super Mom - in control of every situation, big or small.
No one explained to me that I would have challenges greater than any I’d overcome in the past…and that those challenges might appear in the everyday simple actions I took for granted – like driving to daycare in one piece after a particularly hard day.
No one told me how I’d try to shut down my emotions “for the good of the family”. After all, someone has to keep it all together, right? And no one told me how I’d feel ashamed to…well, to feel…
And so there I am, on January 1, telling myself that if I just had more time I could keep it together and make it all work.
When in my heart, what I meant was if I could only feel good about feeling bad…or feeling great…or feeling lost…or feeling happy…or feeling proud…or feeling silly…or feeling confused…or feeling at all, then and only then would it be a good year.
So I’ve changed my resolution this year.
This year, I want to feel every moment of my year - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and come out of it knowing it doesn’t hurt my performance as a mom or a woman at all.
I want to have girl’s night out and giggle and laugh with my friends.
I want to read books that make me cry, make me laugh, and make me think.
I want to reminisce over old photos on rainy afternoons.
I want to be with my children, and celebrate all of the wonderful qualities that make them mine.
I want to neck with my husband in romantic movies.
I want to write it all down, the things that make me proud, scared, joyful, tentative, decisive and daring.
In short, I want to feel every moment of my year, and feel good about doing it!
I’d say it’s about time for a resolution like that, wouldn’t you?
Sue Dickinson is a mom, a business woman, and the founder of www.Unlimited Mom.com, a web site and e-newsletter designed to celebrate the many facets of Mom - her family, her work, and her personal development. Sue is also the author of the book: "What's a Mom to Do? Overcoming the Urge to Put Your Life on Hold", which can be purchased at unlimitedmom.com.
